angst

It is entirely possible that Waylon is experiencing a degree of separation anxiety at the moment. Clarity: He has been staying in the nursery at church for the last couple of months. It's nice. It gives Joey and I the opportunity to be grown-ups together, alone for about 45 minutes. We get to sit in church together, undisturbed, focused, like we used to. I am a big fan of our church nursery. They are super nice, thorough and clean. Not to mention the fact that they have a police officer standing guard through all three services. Secure.

For the last, say, four times that we've taken Waylon to the nursery it hasn't gone well. First, when we picked him up he was crying, supposedly, because Miles was having a bottle and he wasn't. (Waylon wouldn't know what to do with a bottle if you gave him one. Not the issue.) It was funny that day, though. We talked about Miles and the bottle on the way home - that we should love Miles anyway, bottle-schmottle we said. Now we talk about Miles every Sunday on the way to church, like we know who the kid is and he and Waylon are good friends. We couldn't pick him out of a line-up. ha.

Next, I went to pick him up and Nursery Lady was walking around the halls with him, crying. He was, not Nursery Lady. She said he had been crying on and off for the last 30 minutes. He flew to me. Oh, how it broke my heart.

Then, I drop him off and he starts crying the moment he lands in Nursery Lady's arms. I duck away as quickly as possible and wait around the corner to see if he's going to relax. He doesn't. He sees me. It's all over. I take him to the Mothers' Room for the remainder of the service. (Which was actually kind of nice. We used to have our own little play group in there on Sunday mornings and we miss those kids.)

Yesterday, Joey and I drop him off together, crying commences at hand-off and we high-tail it down the hall. I don't know about this. Everything in me says Turn around. Go back to him and love on him. You don't have to leave him. But we do. I am tense for the next 45 minutes. I know, my inner mama knows that it's not going well in there. I am watching the screen intensely, waiting for our number to pop up, giving me the go-ahead, the green flag to race to the nursery and rescue him. It doesn't. Amazing. We go to pick him up and he's sitting on the floor (not alone, with a few others), crying. They weren't. He was. Facing the door, red eyes, snotty nose, can't-catch-his-breath, crying. He sees me and Joey and I can read his mind. It's not good. I hate the way I feel. There were too many babies per Nursery Lady. They were all busy. No one was getting him for me. My hand was on the knob, ready to get him for myself, when a Nursery Lady extra stepped in. Just in time. It was all I could do to just stand there and watch him cry.

I don't know what the solution is to the dilemma. I haven't read a lot on separation anxiety. What I do know is that it did not feel right to leave him while he was crying, watching us walk away, ignoring him. I am not okay with that. I don't want Waylon to think that crying gets him what he wants. It doesn't work like that at home. But, isn't this a particularly sensitive time/subject? Shouldn't we handle this a little differently than, say, another bite of ice cream or another m&m? Isn't this different from the camera, or my phone, or the remote control, or any other 'toy' he's not supposed to play with? Isn't there a way to be a little more tender and compassionate and sensitive and love him through this, when he appears to need us a little more than usual? Won't this phase not last very long and then he won't want anything to do with us? Let's be honest. Waylon has been the most ideal baby. I couldn't have dreamed up a better kid. He's allowed to be a little nervous around strangers. I just can not bring myself to accept, mentally or emotionally, looking him in the tear-filled eye and walking away when I don't have to. It's church nursery, for crying out loud.

No pun intended.