It's day 19 and I'm done. That's right. I quit. I am so disappointed in myself. I am so blindsided by the ugliness of my heart. (I've seen it and even talked about it before, but it never ceases to amaze me.)
I weighed myself this morning, certain that I would have lost weight over the last two-and-a-half weeks. Nope. Gained. 1.8 pounds. That's right. I gained weight over two-and-a-half weeks of fasting. I was so upset.
And then I was so ashamed.
I knew from day one the biggest challenge of this fast would be overcoming my selfish ulterior motives. I have lost a significant amount of weight since I had Waylon and have never felt better in my skin. The weight I've lost so far has come off effortlessly - no diets, and just fun exercise. No big plan. I have grown to appreciate and even hunger for comments on the amount of weight I've lost. When the opportunity came to participate in a 21-Day fast, I almost immediately thought it would be a great way to lose a few more pounds. I was excited to be able to participate in a traditional fast and eager to start the challenge.
From that first day, I knew this was going to be sticky. I knew, with those renegade thoughts in my head that this would be a bigger challenge for me than it would for some people. I definitely do not have an eating disorder, but my obsession with the food I eat and the size and shape of my body has been lifelong. This would be tricky.
I tackled the fast head-on, shoulder-down. I started out wanting to do a liquid-only fast. It was too much. Preparing and feeding food to Waylon and Joey was so hard and I was not steadfast. So I switched to a traditional Jewish fast - I would only consume liquids during the day and eat dinner with my family in the evening. Easy enough.
Thoughts of weight-loss continued to dive-bomb my good-intentions and I caught myself considering how many calories I was in-taking - fruit juice, vegetable juice, milk, coffee, water. I would "sneak" a bite of green beans from Waylon's plate (which is so funny because I guess I thought if I was hiding it from other people, I was hiding it from God - which happens to be an ongoing theme in my life. ugh.) Then, come dinner time, I unlocked my shackles and I was free - Mexican, tetrazini, turkey and dumplings, m&ms, cupcakes, margaritas, wine, you name it. Until bed time, I was a free woman. Then, I re-shackled myself, climbed into bed and slept off my binge.
I know, right?! I am typing this tight-chested with unbelief. I am so embarrassed.
I have done this now for two and a half weeks!! Gosh! No wonder I gained almost two pounds. I probably ate as many calories as I should have in an entire day between the hours of 5:30 and 9:00. Gross. Is it wrong for me to think that my weight gain may also be a little taste of God's humor?
So, I'm done. I can't take myself any longer. The harsh, hungry reality is that I cheated the system. I took something that was supposed to be a beautiful, growing, changing, enlightening experience and turned it into a failed attempt at rapid weight-loss. There. I said it. All of it. Judge me as you will. ;)
Alas, my God is faithful and compassionate and His mercies never end. In fact, they are new every morning. Thank Him for that. Today is a new day. I have a new mindset. And while I am not immediately starting a new, reconciliatory fast, I do have a more clear understanding of what God is and is not looking for when he tells me to fast.
Perhaps in future fasts, maybe sooner than later, it would be best for me to steer clear of traditional food fasts. There are lots of other things that take my time, attention, and devotion away from God. The whole purpose is to deprive my body and soul and feed my spirit - to experience a vast hunger and fill it only with God, not with food or friends or shopping, etc. - to seek Him and His will with more time, intensity, depth and vulnerability - to make my whole self available to Him.
I got it.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Sunday, January 23, 2011
january .11
These first two pictures were taken almost exactly a year before the following four pictures - both as Waylon, Joey and I watched Auburn play in a bowl game. Slightly bigger bowl game this year. Slightly better outcome. Slightly different kid. Slightly harder to get the pictures this year.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
declaration of dependence
This is taped on my bathroom mirror, magneted on my fridge and soon to be taped somewhere else. I haven't decided where else it would get the most traffic.
"Lord, I am insufficient in everything I will encounter today. I have insufficient wisdom to make the decision I'll be required to make. I have insufficient strength to resist the temptations I'll face. I have insufficient skills to manage the conflict that may arise. I have insufficient resources to minister to the people I'll encounter. I am entirely dependent on You."
GREAT chapter on prayer in Awakening this morning. Chapter six. More later.
"Lord, I am insufficient in everything I will encounter today. I have insufficient wisdom to make the decision I'll be required to make. I have insufficient strength to resist the temptations I'll face. I have insufficient skills to manage the conflict that may arise. I have insufficient resources to minister to the people I'll encounter. I am entirely dependent on You."
GREAT chapter on prayer in Awakening this morning. Chapter six. More later.
Monday, January 17, 2011
confess
It has been hard. Harder than I thought. And I have cheated. And I have repented and asked forgiveness. I keep thinking if my God could hang on a cross for me, how can I not do this for 21 days? Yet, I cheat.
To my surprise (although I don't know why), I have taken a very Pharisaical approach to fasting. I love a rule and I have approached these weeks as a giant challenge - a three-week test of my will-power and rule-following ability. Probably why I've failed. In addition, I have been much more consumed with the fasting than the praying.
God has continued to be faithful. He has met me in my weakness and my failure and is speaking and teaching me new things every day.
John Piper says that fasting brings you into yourself. It reveals your insides like nothing else can. You see it. And then you either deal with it or you suffocate it again.
It's day nine now. And I'm dealing.
Praise.
To my surprise (although I don't know why), I have taken a very Pharisaical approach to fasting. I love a rule and I have approached these weeks as a giant challenge - a three-week test of my will-power and rule-following ability. Probably why I've failed. In addition, I have been much more consumed with the fasting than the praying.
God has continued to be faithful. He has met me in my weakness and my failure and is speaking and teaching me new things every day.
John Piper says that fasting brings you into yourself. It reveals your insides like nothing else can. You see it. And then you either deal with it or you suffocate it again.
It's day nine now. And I'm dealing.
Praise.
Monday, January 10, 2011
awakening
Got a little affirmation this morning - a little clarity about that second coming to Christ, that awakening I was referring to yesterday. Once again, God has used Oswald Chambers to tell me what He needs me to know. Thanks, Lord.
Chambers writes:
Our job as workers for God is to open people's eyes so that they may turn themselves from darkness to light. But that is not salvation; it is conversion - only the effort of an awakened human being. . . The majority of so-called Christians are like this. Their eyes are open, but they have received nothing. Conversion is not regeneration. . . When a person is born again, he knows that it is because he has received something as a gift from Almighty God and not because of his own decision. . . Salvation means that we are brought to the place where we are able to receive something on the authority of Jesus Christ, namely, forgiveness of sins. . . In sanctification, the one who has been born again deliberately gives up his right to himself to Jesus Christ, and identifies himself entirely with God's ministry to others.
That's what I'm talking about. Conversion. Salvation. Sanctification. 1, 2, 3. . . I just didn't have the right words.
Let me ask you something, because I feel like God is urging me to do so. Where are you? I mean, if those are three steps, which step would you be on? My life is plagued with so many people so close to me that have yet to make it to, or past, step one. A persecuted saint I am not, but it poses somewhat of a challenge to minister to people raised in church, taught the story, heard the claims and yet deliberately rejected the only opportunity for freedom and peace and hope and life they will ever be given.
Let me ask you this. What if you're right, you who have chosen the path most taken - who have opted for death? What if you are right, that there is no God, no Christ, no salvation, no freedom, no life? Then we all lose, right? We all die together and learn together that Hell is real. We are all doomed and this life is all there is. And you "win."
But what if I'm right? What if that preacher is right? Or your mom or dad or neighbor or whoever won't leave you alone and keeps inviting you to church and quoting scripture? What if Christianity is right? Then you lose. Big. Bigger than you can imagine. In fact, you probably don't even let yourself go there, huh? You probably don't even let yourself imagine what's after this life. You're hoping and banking on the possibility that we are all wrong and you are right.
I got news. It's not new to you, however. You know what I'll say before I say it, but it's worth the chance, right? I mean, if you're right, we all lose. If you're wrong, only you lose. Why not take the risk? Do some of your own investigating. Find your own answers. There is plenty of research to be done for the case for Christ (which happens to be a great book to start with). Don't just take my word for it, or the preacher's or Jane Christian. You're a big girl or boy. You find out.
And please let me know what you find. I'm dying to know. . . ;)
Chambers writes:
Our job as workers for God is to open people's eyes so that they may turn themselves from darkness to light. But that is not salvation; it is conversion - only the effort of an awakened human being. . . The majority of so-called Christians are like this. Their eyes are open, but they have received nothing. Conversion is not regeneration. . . When a person is born again, he knows that it is because he has received something as a gift from Almighty God and not because of his own decision. . . Salvation means that we are brought to the place where we are able to receive something on the authority of Jesus Christ, namely, forgiveness of sins. . . In sanctification, the one who has been born again deliberately gives up his right to himself to Jesus Christ, and identifies himself entirely with God's ministry to others.
That's what I'm talking about. Conversion. Salvation. Sanctification. 1, 2, 3. . . I just didn't have the right words.
Let me ask you something, because I feel like God is urging me to do so. Where are you? I mean, if those are three steps, which step would you be on? My life is plagued with so many people so close to me that have yet to make it to, or past, step one. A persecuted saint I am not, but it poses somewhat of a challenge to minister to people raised in church, taught the story, heard the claims and yet deliberately rejected the only opportunity for freedom and peace and hope and life they will ever be given.
Let me ask you this. What if you're right, you who have chosen the path most taken - who have opted for death? What if you are right, that there is no God, no Christ, no salvation, no freedom, no life? Then we all lose, right? We all die together and learn together that Hell is real. We are all doomed and this life is all there is. And you "win."
But what if I'm right? What if that preacher is right? Or your mom or dad or neighbor or whoever won't leave you alone and keeps inviting you to church and quoting scripture? What if Christianity is right? Then you lose. Big. Bigger than you can imagine. In fact, you probably don't even let yourself go there, huh? You probably don't even let yourself imagine what's after this life. You're hoping and banking on the possibility that we are all wrong and you are right.
I got news. It's not new to you, however. You know what I'll say before I say it, but it's worth the chance, right? I mean, if you're right, we all lose. If you're wrong, only you lose. Why not take the risk? Do some of your own investigating. Find your own answers. There is plenty of research to be done for the case for Christ (which happens to be a great book to start with). Don't just take my word for it, or the preacher's or Jane Christian. You're a big girl or boy. You find out.
And please let me know what you find. I'm dying to know. . . ;)
Sunday, January 9, 2011
on the road to Kagadi
It's that time again. It has been a year since I fasted from television. Funny that what was then a sacrifice has become a way of life now. Don't get me wrong. I watch television, just much less frequently than I used to. And let me say for the record, I am so glad. I said it then and I'll say it now. There is so little good television, so little that builds up or educates or glorifies. It is just mostly not good. You know I'm right.
So, today is day one of 21 days of prayer and fasting, 2011 edition. I am so excited about this year because I am actually going to participate in a more traditional fast. I can give you more details if you want, but that part's really not interesting. I have never done this before, in a traditional since. And really, even after last year's experience, I can honestly say I've never been in this place in my Walk, have never felt more called to participate and have never felt closer to my God. I have big faith that He will do big things in me and through my fasting and prayer over the next 21 days... and forever.
Since I don't really know what I'm doing, I decided to follow some instruction and teaching and encouragement. There is so much at my fingertips now that I want to make sure and grab - so much for the taking. I don't want to miss a thing. I will be reading Stovall Weems' book Awakening throughout. After the first day's reading, I can tell you it's going to be good.
I learned in church this morning that fasting is about putting to death your body, and really your soul, in order that your spirit will thrive and grow and takeover control of you. I have never known this about the fast. A key verse I have read and heard is Joel 2.12 - " 'Even now,' declares the Lord, 'return to me with all your heart, with fasting and weeping and mourning.' " The point is to return to your place of salvation. You know, that emotional high that came right as you sealed the deal? For some, I suppose it's the very moment of initial salvation, when you first committed your life to Christ. For me, it happened years later.
When I was seven years old, I "asked Jesus into my heart." I was scared of Hell. I asked him that day in backyard Bible school and I asked him every chance I got after that, just to make sure. I'm not implying that at such a young age I didn't know what I was doing or that I wasn't saved from that moment on. I really don't know about those things. Weird. What I am saying is that after years of church-going and Christian-schooling and Bible-reading and memorizing and prayer-praying and Sunday-schooling, I did not fully grasp the depth of the wealth and the life that was mine because of the immeasurable love of my God.
Read that last sentence again, because it's big...
I was on a medical mission trip to Uganda with a group from Oak Mountain Presbyterian Church in the summer of 2007. It was a dream come true for sure. I had always known that I would be a medical missionary all through high school. I wanted it so badly, but Chemistry and Biology disagreed with me and I let it go. A doctor I would not be. But you better believe I jumped on the opportunity to play one for a couple of weeks.
The trip was too short and lacked the amount of medical clinic I felt we could have provided and that would have satiated my thirst for a dream deferred. Nonetheless, it was magical. I can say to you with every ounce of honesty in my bones that I fell in love with Africa, with Uganda, with those people and their infectious smiles and limitless hope and gratifying simplicity. I would have stayed there, or at least gone back if I had been in a different place in my life. I left a part of me there. A chunk of my heart will always be in Uganda.
I took Donald Miller's Blue Like Jazz to read along the way. Great book. Probably not for everyone, but it's right up my ally and happened to be the voice God chose to use to talk to me while I was away. We were on a short bus, driving way too fast down our wrong side of a narrow, muddied, potholed road somewhere on the road to Kagadi from Kampala. A trip that should have taken a couple of hours ended up taking four or five, if I remember correctly. It was nuts - the only time I feared for my life the entire two weeks I was gone. I read to keep my mind off the circumstance. It was in chapter seven, "Grace," that God spoke to me so audibly I could hear the breaths he took between sentences. I wept and underlined and starred. The lines I made resemble a heart monitor's - the road was so rough I couldn't make a straight mark.
At the end of the chapter, at the bottom of page 86, I wrote, "I get it. Uganda. 7.9.07. 12:54 pm."
My life has not been the same since that minute.
I believe truly that was the moment of my transformation. Don't misread. I am not, nor am I almost, transformed. But at that moment, I began to find a God I had not even known existed before. What has become a greater passion and a deeper relationship and a bigger God than I had ever known started in that moment, halfway around the world, in that little bus, amid those potholes and that mud, somewhere on the road to Kagadi.
In that moment, I felt a more real, more intense freedom and happiness and clarity than I had before and have since. That is where I am headed over the next 21 days. I am child-like in my eagerness to "return to [Him] with all my heart." I can't wait to get back there, once my body and soul are defeated and my spirit can soar without the dead weight they offer. There is where my God is. He wants us to live in that moment. I want to live in that moment.
Surely I don't have to go halfway around the world to get back there. Surely God is as much in my Alabama home as he was on the road to Kagadi. Over these next days, my greatest prayer is that I will be as far away from "the world" now, in my own home, as I was then - on the road to Kagadi. And that I would stay there.
So, today is day one of 21 days of prayer and fasting, 2011 edition. I am so excited about this year because I am actually going to participate in a more traditional fast. I can give you more details if you want, but that part's really not interesting. I have never done this before, in a traditional since. And really, even after last year's experience, I can honestly say I've never been in this place in my Walk, have never felt more called to participate and have never felt closer to my God. I have big faith that He will do big things in me and through my fasting and prayer over the next 21 days... and forever.
Since I don't really know what I'm doing, I decided to follow some instruction and teaching and encouragement. There is so much at my fingertips now that I want to make sure and grab - so much for the taking. I don't want to miss a thing. I will be reading Stovall Weems' book Awakening throughout. After the first day's reading, I can tell you it's going to be good.
I learned in church this morning that fasting is about putting to death your body, and really your soul, in order that your spirit will thrive and grow and takeover control of you. I have never known this about the fast. A key verse I have read and heard is Joel 2.12 - " 'Even now,' declares the Lord, 'return to me with all your heart, with fasting and weeping and mourning.' " The point is to return to your place of salvation. You know, that emotional high that came right as you sealed the deal? For some, I suppose it's the very moment of initial salvation, when you first committed your life to Christ. For me, it happened years later.
When I was seven years old, I "asked Jesus into my heart." I was scared of Hell. I asked him that day in backyard Bible school and I asked him every chance I got after that, just to make sure. I'm not implying that at such a young age I didn't know what I was doing or that I wasn't saved from that moment on. I really don't know about those things. Weird. What I am saying is that after years of church-going and Christian-schooling and Bible-reading and memorizing and prayer-praying and Sunday-schooling, I did not fully grasp the depth of the wealth and the life that was mine because of the immeasurable love of my God.
Read that last sentence again, because it's big...
I was on a medical mission trip to Uganda with a group from Oak Mountain Presbyterian Church in the summer of 2007. It was a dream come true for sure. I had always known that I would be a medical missionary all through high school. I wanted it so badly, but Chemistry and Biology disagreed with me and I let it go. A doctor I would not be. But you better believe I jumped on the opportunity to play one for a couple of weeks.
The trip was too short and lacked the amount of medical clinic I felt we could have provided and that would have satiated my thirst for a dream deferred. Nonetheless, it was magical. I can say to you with every ounce of honesty in my bones that I fell in love with Africa, with Uganda, with those people and their infectious smiles and limitless hope and gratifying simplicity. I would have stayed there, or at least gone back if I had been in a different place in my life. I left a part of me there. A chunk of my heart will always be in Uganda.
I took Donald Miller's Blue Like Jazz to read along the way. Great book. Probably not for everyone, but it's right up my ally and happened to be the voice God chose to use to talk to me while I was away. We were on a short bus, driving way too fast down our wrong side of a narrow, muddied, potholed road somewhere on the road to Kagadi from Kampala. A trip that should have taken a couple of hours ended up taking four or five, if I remember correctly. It was nuts - the only time I feared for my life the entire two weeks I was gone. I read to keep my mind off the circumstance. It was in chapter seven, "Grace," that God spoke to me so audibly I could hear the breaths he took between sentences. I wept and underlined and starred. The lines I made resemble a heart monitor's - the road was so rough I couldn't make a straight mark.
At the end of the chapter, at the bottom of page 86, I wrote, "I get it. Uganda. 7.9.07. 12:54 pm."
My life has not been the same since that minute.
I believe truly that was the moment of my transformation. Don't misread. I am not, nor am I almost, transformed. But at that moment, I began to find a God I had not even known existed before. What has become a greater passion and a deeper relationship and a bigger God than I had ever known started in that moment, halfway around the world, in that little bus, amid those potholes and that mud, somewhere on the road to Kagadi.
In that moment, I felt a more real, more intense freedom and happiness and clarity than I had before and have since. That is where I am headed over the next 21 days. I am child-like in my eagerness to "return to [Him] with all my heart." I can't wait to get back there, once my body and soul are defeated and my spirit can soar without the dead weight they offer. There is where my God is. He wants us to live in that moment. I want to live in that moment.
Surely I don't have to go halfway around the world to get back there. Surely God is as much in my Alabama home as he was on the road to Kagadi. Over these next days, my greatest prayer is that I will be as far away from "the world" now, in my own home, as I was then - on the road to Kagadi. And that I would stay there.
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