the hungry truth

It's day 19 and I'm done. That's right. I quit. I am so disappointed in myself. I am so blindsided by the ugliness of my heart. (I've seen it and even talked about it before, but it never ceases to amaze me.)

I weighed myself this morning, certain that I would have lost weight over the last two-and-a-half weeks. Nope. Gained. 1.8 pounds. That's right. I gained weight over two-and-a-half weeks of fasting. I was so upset.

And then I was so ashamed.

I knew from day one the biggest challenge of this fast would be overcoming my selfish ulterior motives. I have lost a significant amount of weight since I had Waylon and have never felt better in my skin. The weight I've lost so far has come off effortlessly - no diets, and just fun exercise. No big plan. I have grown to appreciate and even hunger for comments on the amount of weight I've lost. When the opportunity came to participate in a 21-Day fast, I almost immediately thought it would be a great way to lose a few more pounds. I was excited to be able to participate in a traditional fast and eager to start the challenge.

From that first day, I knew this was going to be sticky. I knew, with those renegade thoughts in my head that this would be a bigger challenge for me than it would for some people. I definitely do not have an eating disorder, but my obsession with the food I eat and the size and shape of my body has been lifelong. This would be tricky.

I tackled the fast head-on, shoulder-down. I started out wanting to do a liquid-only fast. It was too much. Preparing and feeding food to Waylon and Joey was so hard and I was not steadfast. So I switched to a traditional Jewish fast - I would only consume liquids during the day and eat dinner with my family in the evening. Easy enough.

Thoughts of weight-loss continued to dive-bomb my good-intentions and I caught myself considering how many calories I was in-taking - fruit juice, vegetable juice, milk, coffee, water. I would "sneak" a bite of green beans from Waylon's plate (which is so funny because I guess I thought if I was hiding it from other people, I was hiding it from God - which happens to be an ongoing theme in my life. ugh.) Then, come dinner time, I unlocked my shackles and I was free - Mexican, tetrazini, turkey and dumplings, m&ms, cupcakes, margaritas, wine, you name it. Until bed time, I was a free woman. Then, I re-shackled myself, climbed into bed and slept off my binge.

I know, right?! I am typing this tight-chested with unbelief. I am so embarrassed.

I have done this now for two and a half weeks!! Gosh! No wonder I gained almost two pounds. I probably ate as many calories as I should have in an entire day between the hours of 5:30 and 9:00. Gross. Is it wrong for me to think that my weight gain may also be a little taste of God's humor?

So, I'm done. I can't take myself any longer. The harsh, hungry reality is that I cheated the system. I took something that was supposed to be a beautiful, growing, changing, enlightening experience and turned it into a failed attempt at rapid weight-loss. There. I said it. All of it. Judge me as you will. ;)

Alas, my God is faithful and compassionate and His mercies never end. In fact, they are new every morning. Thank Him for that. Today is a new day. I have a new mindset. And while I am not immediately starting a new, reconciliatory fast, I do have a more clear understanding of what God is and is not looking for when he tells me to fast.

Perhaps in future fasts, maybe sooner than later, it would be best for me to steer clear of traditional food fasts. There are lots of other things that take my time, attention, and devotion away from God. The whole purpose is to deprive my body and soul and feed my spirit - to experience a vast hunger and fill it only with God, not with food or friends or shopping, etc. - to seek Him and His will with more time, intensity, depth and vulnerability - to make my whole self available to Him.

I got it.