fast finish

The fast is over. Today didn't feel very very different from the last 21. I watched the Today Show for about an hour this morning, then turned the tube off until about 2:30. I felt guilty when I was watching and was bored/easily distracted. I feel like every second that Waylon is awake I should be engaging him, talking, playing, singing. So, for both of us to just watch TV feels like a cop out. I know I can't fill all of his waking moments with excitement and education, and that I am in fact setting myself up for exhaustion and disappointment, and that I need to let that go. I'm sure I will in time. I used to feel the same way when I babysat, which I guess is what made me a favorite. I was like a non-stop party shop from the moment I walked in until I left. Shew. Poor little guy. He probably just wants a few minutes of peace and quiet to himself. I'll give it to him tomorrow. Guilt-free.

There are some things I started over the last 21 days that I definitely don't want to give up. Each morning and periodically throughout the day, I have read out loud to Waylon from Max Lucado's devotion Bible and from a John Piper book. I have read Piper to Waylon since before he was born. I don't want to stop that. I also have been playing praise/worship music (Sara Groves on Pandora. Beautiful.). The songs get stuck in my head and I'm humming hymns whilst scrubbing the toilet. Priceless. I have completed longer to-do lists and felt more accomplished at day's end. In conclusion, I never did search for God with all my heart. With more of my heart, yes. But all? Nor did I take on any new acts of service outside my home. I did, however, spend more meaningful time inside my home with both Joey and Waylon. I hope I ministered to both of them in new ways. I hope the people I come in contact with on a daily basis can see a little more of Christ in me simply because I saw a little more of him. TV is definitely not all I cracked it up to be. Most of what's on is trash and most of what I watch is pointless. Some of that is trash as well. Even Oprah is running out of things to talk about.

On a Dub note, nursing is still wonderful. (I use the old-fashioned term 'nursing' to make the distinction between what I was doing before and what I'm doing now. Pumping is breast feeding, but not nursing.) As a matter of fact, I actually fed him at the Galleria this weekend! In the Belk restroom! It was great! I feel so much more liberated without the pump. I don't see myself whipping it out in public, but at the right time, in the right place, with the right people, I am completely comfortable.

I failed to mention that the biggest reason I am able to do this now as opposed to before is that I am a different person now. You see, I am a tad OCD, and having a baby just made that tad into a full-blown toad. Problem is, no matter how hard I tried, I could not be in complete control of Waylon and situations that involved him and his care. Thing about nursing is that you literally have to trust that Baby is getting adequate nutrition. You can't see it. You can't measure it. You can't control it. Period. That's why I could not do it before. It wasn't Waylon. He did everything right, bless his little heart. It was me. I think this last bout with mastitis came at the perfect time, if there is one - at the end of the second week of the fast. I have grown over the last 5 months into an increasingly more laid-back mom. No choice. And, I have discovered the importance, no necessity, of trusting God in ALL things, not just the things that I can't control. It takes a lot of trust for OCD-me to nurse Waylon. But it's good. It's great. God knew.... Duh.